Unlearning Shame: How to Reclaim Your Sexuality on Your Terms
Sexual shame has a sneaky way of infiltrating our lives. It’s in the whispered conversations we overheard as kids, the media that taught us what’s “acceptable,” and even the societal rules that told us who we should be in the bedroom (and who we shouldn’t). Many women carry this shame for years, feeling like their desires are “too much” or not enough.
But here’s the thing: reclaiming your sexuality doesn’t just help you in the bedroom—it can transform every area of your life. From boosting confidence to deepening your relationships, embracing your sexuality unapologetically is one of the most empowering things you can do.
Let’s dive into how we can unlearn the shame and take back what was always ours.
What Is Sexual Shame and Where Does It Come From?
Sexual shame is the guilt, discomfort, or self-judgment tied to your sexuality, desires, or preferences. For many of us, it starts young. Maybe you heard phrases like “good girls don’t do that” or “cover yourself up.” Or you grew up in a culture or household where talking about sex was taboo, leaving you with questions and insecurities you felt too afraid to address.
It doesn’t stop there. Media often reinforces narrow definitions of female sexuality, making it feel like there’s a “right” way to be sexy. Too much confidence? You’re judged. Not confident enough? You’re judged.
This leads to struggles like feeling guilty about sexual desires, avoiding conversations about needs and boundaries, or associating sex with negativity instead of pleasure and connection.
Is any of this resonating with you, yet?
Why Unlearning Sexual Shame is Crucial
Healthier Relationships- When you understand your desires and boundaries, you can communicate them clearly, creating trust and deeper intimacy with your partner. Honest conversations replace fear of judgment, making relationships more fulfilling and connected.
Greater Confidence- Letting go of shame boosts your self-worth, allowing you to feel at home in your own skin. When you own your desires unapologetically, you radiate confidence in every aspect of your life.
Deeper Self-Connection- Reclaiming your sexuality helps you embrace your authentic self without fear or judgment. It’s a way of saying, “This is who I am,” and finally feeling at peace with every part of yourself.
Steps to Unlearning Sexual Shame
1. Understand and Acknowledge Your Shame
You first need to identify the struggle, and then we move forward. Start with asking yourself these questions:
What messages did I internalize about sex growing up?
How do I feel about my desires or preferences?
Where do I feel shame or discomfort when it comes to my sexuality?
Are there specific experiences or people that shaped how I see myself sexually?
What would my sexual self look like if there were no judgment—only joy?
Reflecting on these can help you uncover where your shame originated and empower you to start challenging it.
2. Educate Yourself About Healthy Sexuality
One of the best ways to break free from shame is through education—but let’s make this fun. In our VIP women-only Facebook group, this is a HUGE focus for us. We are more motivated than ever to lead a community of women reclaiming their sexuality and learning how beautiful it is to be free.
It’s a safe space where we discuss everything from breaking taboos to embracing desires, all while supporting each other every step of the way. If this sounds like the kind of vibe you need, click here to join us.
For me personally, reading spicy romance novels was a game-changer. Seeing characters struggle with their sexual preferences, their shame, and eventually embrace it made me feel so seen. Watching them finally say, “This is who I am, and I love it” was powerful- and it made me realize I could do the same.
(Quick disclaimer: My go-to romance novels are pure fiction—great for inspiration, not instruction manuals!)
3. Reclaim Your Desires and Boundaries
Here’s the truth: Your desires are valid, and your boundaries are sacred.
Start small by exploring what you like. This could mean experimenting in a way that feels safe and exciting or simply giving yourself permission to fantasize without judgment.
Set clear boundaries. Reclaiming your sexuality doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything; it means honoring what feels good and saying “no” to what doesn’t.
4. Practice Open Communication
Talking about sex can feel awkward at first, but communication is key to building connection and trust.
Start by getting clear on your own needs and preferences.
When you’re ready, share them with a partner. Approach the conversation with vulnerability and curiosity rather than fear.
Pro tip: If you feel nervous, practice saying what you need in front of a mirror. It sounds silly, but it helps!
5. Celebrate and Embrace Your Body
Your body is the home of your pleasure, and connecting with it can be both physical and introspective. Try options like:
Yoga: Use gentle, mindful movement to connect with your body and focus on its strength and flexibility.
Dancing: Let loose and move in a way that feels joyful—whether it’s in a class or your living room.
Meditation: Practice body gratitude, focusing on the sensations your body allows you to experience.
Journaling: Write about what you appreciate about your body or what parts of it you’re learning to love.
Self-Reflection: Take quiet time to acknowledge your body’s beauty and resilience as it is today.
These practices, whether energetic or calming, help foster acceptance and self-love in ways that honor your unique relationship with your body.
Remember, your body is not just allowed to be seen—it deserves to be celebrated.
6. Surround Yourself With Positive Influences
The right community can make all the difference in reclaiming your sexuality. In our VIP Babe Cave, we’ve built an empowering space where women come together to lift each other up. We share our stories, break taboos, and celebrate our wins—big and small.
It’s a judgment-free zone where you can be fully yourself, surrounded by women who understand the journey. If you’re ready to connect with a supportive community, join us here. You don’t have to do this alone—we’ve got your back.
The right community can make all the difference. When you see other women living freely, it reminds you that you can too.
Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them
Reclaiming your sexuality isn’t a one-and-done process. Here’s how to tackle common hurdles:
Fear of Judgment: Remember, the people who judge you are likely carrying their own unresolved shame. Their opinions don’t define you, and only you can determine your worth.
Internalized Beliefs: Challenge the “rules” you grew up with. Ask yourself: “Is this belief serving me, or is it holding me back?” There are no rules- we’re adults. We can do whatever we want.
Patience With Yourself: This is a journey, not a sprint. Celebrate every small step, and don’t be afraid to ask for support.
Reclaiming Your Sexuality: A Gift to Yourself
Unlearning sexual shame is about more than just pleasure (though that’s a big perk). It’s about giving yourself permission to live authentically, love deeply, and show up as your whole self.
If you’re ready to take the next step, start with reflection: What’s one belief about sexuality you’re ready to let go of? Drop it here in the comments below and let’s all grow into our best, most authentic selves together!
Your sexuality is yours to define. Own it. Love it. Live it.
And FUCK anyone who tells you otherwise.
